do you remember when i was doing that identity assignment for uni and you told me that perhaps you were knowingly and secretly trying to influence me? well it worked. ive developed a minor addiction to football, which, even though i may have had before, it never really showed. now i get excited when theres a game on, i get nervous if i support one of the teams thats playing, i get genuinely upset if they lose. i started to make a decent effort to think bout what i wear, after watching you many times, so carefully, pick an item of clothing from a rack, or from your closet and wear it with care. you have your own ways of doing so many things; making your coffee with that special teaspoon, the way you brush your hair across your face from left to right, the way you hold yourself. so many things you do make me want to pay more attention to the way i go about my life. more than that, the person that you are, makes me want to be a better person, makes me want to strive for bigger and better things. you are one of my best friends, someone i look to for inspiration, for advice, for support...

but all of a sudden, its happening again. the nights are getting shorter, less satisfying, and in the morning i cant drag myself out of bed. i just cant be bothered. i lay here, staring at the photos above my desk, trying to will my body to pull itself up. i cant do it. i cant find a reason. all i can think about is how lonely i suddenly feel. how broken and sore i am. how not even a week ago, i was so happy. why wasn't it enough that we were happy? that we laughed and joked around? why wasn't it enough that you got excited to see me? why wasn't it enough that you thought about me all the time? why wasn't I enough? why did i have to cloud your thoughts? i feel so broken and useless.. where do i go from here? i cant kiss you anymore, i cant hardly touch you, i cant write you stupid notes, and i cant fall asleep at night to a sweet goodnight message from you, knowing im going to wake up feeling so good about myself.

i tried writing you a poem, but i cant even make the words rhyme. im lying in bed, wearing your track-pants from last night, and i cant stop the tears streaming down my face. my body is limp, like a feeling of exhaustion, even though ive had a solid sleep. my eyes are heavy and red raw. my body remembers how you feel lying next to me and i roll over to where you would be, where i would wrap my arm around your waist and rest my head on the pillow behind your neck. i can hear my ma past my bedroom, talking about me, for once she's not whinging. she'll probably come in here soon. i don't even know what ill tell her when she asks why im crying. i cant tell her the real reason, i dont want her pity, or her talk about how theres plenty of boys out there, plenty of fish in the sea. theres only one fish i want, and you're right in front of me, and i know you want me too, i know you care about me too, i know you want to kiss and hug and touch me too, i know you sense how i feel when im with you, but i cant have you. you're reluctant. you says theres nothing wrong with me, that i didn't do anything wrong, that you just need time to yourself, and hopefully we will get another shot because what we have hasn't been ruined... i hope not either.

when you open yourself up to someone, you take a huge risk. not only will you be so happy you think your heart might explode with nutella flavoured heart shaped sweets, you risk pain and devastation, you risk loss and heartache. you risk venerability. even though you make me so incredibly happy, i risked all those things with you. i took that chance anyway. all of a sudden, two days ago, it all came crashing down onto me.... i keep running through possible scenarios in my head, trying to think of something i can do, or say to make this situation different. i don't want this. i don't want this agonising feeling of loss, and worse, helplessness. i don't want to go numb again, i don't want to be lifeless and careless and worthless. i dont want to think theres no point getting out of bed, even though i know differently. when i do get out of bed, i don't want to breathe and choke up, i don't want to eat and taste nothing. i don't want to be clouded by these feelings of insecurity and heartache so severely that it affects my otherwise semi-logical thought patterns. i feel like im stuck in a dream and i know what is going to happen, but i cant stop it. i feel like im fighting the mourners at my funeral because i don't want to get in the coffin.

i want to feel again. i want to be excited to get up in the morning, i want to be excited to eat breakfast as part of my 5 step plans involving you. i want to see the sun and know its showing you the same warmth. i want to look at the moon and know that its shining down on you too. i want to wake up in the morning and msg you just to say good morning and to let you know you were the first thing on my mind when i woke up. i want to fall asleep smiling because im thinking about you. i want to lie in bed facing the wall and have your arms wrapped around me. i want to feel you again. i want to taste you and touch you and just be content to be near you. i want to kiss you and move with you, i want to just be with you. somewhere in this darkness that is paralysing my heart at the moment, i have faith, i hope you don't forget what you have in me and you keep some faith too...